as i am currently writing elsewhere football allows me to take pleasure in loss, but all good things must come to an end or so they say, and so next week brings the last games of the footy season, that is for those of us who support losers that don’t figure in the finals. the final eight (or final five as it used to be before football was hijacked by greedy capitalists) is a uniquely australian tradition, as far as i know anyway. in the rest of the football world whoever finishes at the top of the ladder wins the championship and thus the champions may be decided weeks before the end of the season. this year that would have been the cats who have been several games clear at the top of the ladder for some time. but of course the australians have to complicate things and the top eight teams (top five it used to be before the greedy capit… oh i said that already) compete against each other for the flag over four weeks, whilst the rest of the clubs go on holidays feeling sheepish. actually it is a brilliant innovation which adds a lot of excitement to the final weeks of the season. (the last time my team made the eight was about ten years ago and i marked the event by pointing a camera at myself as i watched each game on tv and drank myself into a stupor. i am thinking about releasing those tapes as a limited edition dvd box set if anyone is interested. handmade box!)
but next week whilst everyone’s eyes will be on the st kilda – richmond game because it will decide which team finishes in the coveted eighth position (adelaide, currently in eighth, has a difficult away game against the pies, and if adelaide loses and st kilda wins, the saints will go into the finals) the game will also decide the battle for the wooden spoon. the tigers’ glorious victory against the bombers on the weekend turned this battle into a minor drama involving the worst three teams in the competition (by a long shot) each having lost 17 games : melbourne, carlton and richmond, which currently occupies the bottom position, two points behind the other two. melbourne and carlton play each other, so if richmond wins, whoever loses the game between the other two contenders will win the spoon.
now why would anyone be keen to win the wooden spoon you may well ask? well gentle reader the reason is this : since the game is only played in australia, and then only in certain obscure parts of the continent often referred to by names of south american countries, stocks of new players are severely limited. the holder of the wooden spoon earns the right to recruit the best young player currently playing in the non-professional league, and this year everyone knows who that is. well everyone except me, but i have heard about him : he is big and tall and strong and fast, they say. with an exceptional pair of hands they say. he can play up forward or at the back or in the ruck, they say. and he can kick goals too. we need a player like that. urgently. so can everyone play badly to ensure we lose on saturday please? it shouldn’t be too hard. you have shown you can do it many times this season. go on lads drop that mark! kick that clanger!
stop press : wallace : “no tanking”